yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
