I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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