If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
