the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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