I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
