She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
