Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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