I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
