I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I just googled if crying burns calories
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
