Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I think my moral compass just broke
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
