Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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