My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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