Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
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Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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