At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
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