I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
