When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
