how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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