I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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