I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
