Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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