i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
