I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
