..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
