I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
