if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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