his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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