Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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