he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
