my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
