mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
