Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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