Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
