i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
