I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
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