Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
