did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize
