I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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