The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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