He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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