he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
My boob is missing a layer of skin
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
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