Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
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you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
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She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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