I'm sorry my penis didn't work
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
