it's not cheating when I paid for it
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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