I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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