i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
