Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
