Moan for me like Helen Keller
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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