She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
