last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
