and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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