I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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