In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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