I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
