i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
