I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
