I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
