I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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