Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
